Funny Pet Storys

1. Leash: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
2. Dog Bed: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
3. Drool: A liquid which, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and get the drool on the human.
4. Sniff: A social custom used to greet other dogs, similar to the human exchange of business cards.
5. Garbage Can: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
6. Bicycles: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
7. Deafness: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
8. Thunder: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
9. Wastebasket: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents throughout the house before your person comes home.
10. Bath: If you find something especially good to roll in, humans get jealous and use this degrading form of torture to get even. Be sure to shake only when next to a person or a piece of furniture.
11. Lean: Every good dog’s response to the command “sit!”, especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
12. Bump: The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
13. Goose Bump: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular Bump doesn’t get the attention your require … especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
14. Children: Short humans of optimal petting height. Standing close to one assures some good petting. When running they are good to chase. If they fall down, they are comfortable to sit on.
15. Love: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return.

Comments(0)

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know: Don’t pee on the tree – don’t drink water in the container that holds the tree. Mind your tail when you are near the tree-if there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don’t rip them open – don’t chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree.
5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans – don’t eat off the buffet table – beg for goodies subtly – be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa – don’t drink out of glasses that are left within your reach.
6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: Observe rule number 4 for trees that may be in other people’s houses. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house – tolerate children – turn on your charm big time.
7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON’T BITE HIM!

Comments(0)

1. You can’t see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose prints all over the inside.
2. You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don’t.
3. You are the only idiot walking in the pouring rain because your dog needs its walk.
4. You keep an extra water dish in your second-floor bedroom, in case your dog gets thirsty at night.
5. You never completely finish a piece of steak or chicken (so your dog gets a taste, too).
6. You shovel a zig-zag path in the back yard snow so your dog can reach all its favorite spots.
7. You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
8. You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.
9. You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of your parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely human.
10. Your dog is the star of your World Wide Web site.
11. You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but she understands.
12. Your dog eats cat poop, but you still let her kiss you (but not immediately afterward, of course).
13. You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don’t.
14. You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.
15. You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.
16. You sign and send birthday/anniversary/Christmas cards from your dog.
17. You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog can be comfortable.
18. You’d rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle your dog than go to the movies with your sweetie.
19. You go to the pet supply store every Saturday because it’s one of the very few places that lets you bring your dog inside, and your dog loves to go with you.
20. You open your purse, and that big bunch of baggies you use for pick-ups pops out.
21. You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you can use it to wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit hip-deep in water.
22. You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the drugstore.
23. Your dog is getting old and arthritic, so you go buy lumber and build her a small staircase so she can climb onto the bed by herself.
24. Your license plate or license plate frame mentions your dog.
25. You don’t think it’s the least bit strange to stand in the back yard chirping “Meg, pee!” over and over again, while Meg tends to play and forget what she’s out there for (but what your neighbors think of your behavior is yet another story).
26. You match your furniture/carpet/clothes to your dog.
27. You have your dog’s picture on your office desk (but no one else’s).
28. You lecture people on responsible dog ownership every chance you get.
29. You skip breakfast so you can walk your dog in the morning before work.
30. You don’t go to happy hours with co-workers any more because you need to go home and see your dog.
31. Your friend’s dog acts as Best Dog at your wedding.
32. Your weekend activities are planned around taking your dog for a hike (both days).
33. You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in your pasta.
34. When you get your latest roll of film and there isn’t a single picture of a two-legged person in it…

Comments(0)

1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy’s mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock out of the mouth.
7. Place puppy in prefocused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with the other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy’s nose.
12. Put magazines back on coffee table.
13. Try to get puppy’s attention by squeaking toy over your head.
14. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
15. Jump up in time to grab puppy by the scruff of the neck and say “No..outside!”
16. Call someone to help clean up the mess.
17. Sit back in chair for deep breathing and resolve to teach puppy “sit” and “stay” first thing next morning.

Comments(0)

Newspapers: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that’s placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

Visitors: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

Barking: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark – a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark …

Licking: Always take a big drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

Holes: Rather than digging a big hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won’t notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they’ll think it’s gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

Doors: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

Sniffing: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

Dining Etiquette: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It’s also a good time to practice your sniffing.

Housebreaking: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

Going for Walks: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

Couches: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

Playing: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don’t injure yourself.

Cats: When chasing cats, make sure you never *quite* catch them. It spoils all the fun.

Chewing: Make a contribution to the fashion industry … Eat a shoe.

Comments(0)

The day is divided into two important sections: the all-important mealtime, and everything else.

I. Mealtime

1. Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around to eat certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat. The act of staring at the underside of a table or chair on which someone else is eating sets in motion a chain of events that eventually results in food.
2. It goes without saying that you should carefully check the lower third of any space for edibles. Mouth-sized things which cannot be identified by sight or smell are considered gum.
3. When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as you would a shower. Never, never look up again until a minimum of at least fifteen minutes after the obvious food is gone. This is important. Just because your dish is empty does not mean that it is time to stop eating.
4. Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time that it is actually swallowed by another. The lengthy path a piece of food will take from a plate to a mouth via a hand is as good a time as any to stake your claim to it.
5. When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and packaging mean nothing. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule.
6. If you really see something you want, and all your other attempts at getting it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly. As a second tactic, stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing long gelatinous drools to leak like icicles from your lower lip.

II. Everything Else

1. There are really only two important facial expressions to bother with: complete and overwhelming joy and nothing at all.
2. Any time that is not meal time is potentially nap time. The best time to take a nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly. The best location for a nap is dead center of any street or driveway. The most relaxing position is on your side, all four limbs parallel.
3. The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a fully clothed person. A second effective method is to stand on a light-colored piece of furniture.
4. Personal Safety
   • At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room barking loudly. If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them whether you know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they lose their balance or have to force you away physically.
   • The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know it is squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in your yard.
5. Recreation and Leisure
   • Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will want to know.
     1. The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and return it.
     2. The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it.
   • Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once inside, your only goal is to try to get out.
6. Health: In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard. If you are vaccinated, urinate on the physician.

Comments(0)