Funny Pet Storys

1. I could have sworn I heard a can opener.
2. Is there something I’m not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?
3. Why doesn’t the government do something about dogs?
4. I wonder if Morris really liked 9-lives, or did he have ulterior motives?
5. Hmmmm … If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can’t we ever get those stupid dogs to do anything for us?
6. This looks like a good spot for a nap.
7. Hey – no kidding, I’m sure that’s the can opener.
8. Would humans have built a vast and complex civilisation of their own if we cats hadn’t given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?
9. If there’s a God, how can He allow neutering?
10. If that really was the can opener, I’ll play finicky just to let them know who’s boss!

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You never feed me.
Perhaps I’ll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail!
Behold, elevator butt.

I need a new toy.
Tail of black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! Good dog! Good dog!

The rule for today
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

In deep sleep hear sound
cat vomit hairball somewhere
will find in morning.

Grace personified.
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.

Blur of motion, then –
silence, me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?

The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds –
your foot just squashed one.

You’re always typing.
Well, let’s see you ignore my
sitting on your hands.

My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
can just hide my head.

Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What’s a ‘term paper’?

Kitty likes plastic
Confuses for litter box
Don’t leave tarp around

Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner

I want to be close
to you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?

Wanna go outside.
Oh, shit! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams
My claws are not that sharp.

Cats meow out of angst
“Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!”

Litter box not here
You must have moved it again
I’ll crap in the sink

The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
Time for “Cup Hockey”

We’re almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?

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DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.

DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed (again).

DAY 762 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm. Not working according to plan…

DAY 768- I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo”. What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the tiny bit of flesh under my claws.

DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer.” More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies”. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

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So, you’re dating a gal who shares her residence with a cat. If your relationship is going to get anywhere, I encourage you to follow each of these suggestions:

• Never, ever mention that you can (or can’t) smell the litter box.
• If the kitten wants to spend an hour untying your shoelace, let him. When he gets it untied, retie it so he can continue playing.
• Never make a big show of brushing the cat fur from your slacks.
• Get in the habit of putting a couple of sardines in your pocket. Slip them to the cat when she isn’t watching (Note: you may have to do this through the entire dating period, because the cat will likely go for your pocket each time you visit).
• Don’t push the cat off the sofa if he’s inserted himself between the two of you. If he’s still sitting between the two of you when you get amorous, reassure him (mental telepathy is fine) that you have no harmful intentions against his companion, and move him gently to your lap. Try to keep one hand stroking the cat at all times in this situation.
• If you’re spending the night, do yourself a favor and don’t even TRY to sleep in the cat’s favorite spot on the bed.
• When you phone her, ask about her cat.
• When she leaves the room to fix cocktails or check on dinner, ask her if she’s got a cat toy handy so you can keep the cat entertained.
• If you’re taking her out to dinner, ask her if it’s okay to bring home a “cat bag” of leftovers for the cat.

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1. Stray cats will not be fed.
2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.
6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.
10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in “y.”
11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
13. Stray cats may be permitted on furniture but must sharpen claws on new $359.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.
14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the dirt.
15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh n Sweet kitty litter.
16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
17. Stray cats will sleep outside.
18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.
20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.
22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.
26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.
27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is sdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier’puyykmm4hbdm9lo9jmdskdm,.USING IT.

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Doors

Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer it with forepaws.

Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

Guests

Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats go to black wool clothing. Note: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth. For the guest who exclaims, “I love kitties!” be ready with aloof disdain, apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything – just sit there and stare.

Hampering

If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping” otherwise known is “hampering.” Some rules:

1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
3. For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner to obscure the maximum amount. Pretend to dose but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. Sit on the paperwork they are working on. Roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. Embroidery and needlepoint make great hammocks.
4. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her be sure to jump at the back of the paper. They love surprises.
5. Dart out quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs; when they have something in their arms; in the dark; and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
6. When a human is attempting to “make the bed,” hop on it and curl up in the middle, or pounce on the sheet the human is trying to rearrange. If the human tries to ignore you by covering you with the sheets, move around and try to mess things up. Protest loudly when you’re evicted.
7. Laundry presents many opportunities to hamper. Laundry fresh from the dryer is a perfect bed, since it is warm and soft. As soon as it is put down for sorting, arrange yourself for a nap. If the human removes you, keep returning until the laundry isn’t warm anymore. Now it’s playtime. Pounce on anything the human tries to move around for folding, especially socks and nylons. For added fun, grab a sock and hide under the bed with it.

Play

This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed below are several cat games. It is important though to maintain one’s Dignity at all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say “I MEANT to do that!” It fools those humans every time.

Games

1. “Catch Mouse”: The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Maybe YOU can be the first.
2. “King of the Hill”: This game must be played with at least one other cat. Sleeping humans are the hill which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must consider the unstable playing field.
   

   WARNING: Playing games 1 and 2 to excess will result in expulsion from the bed. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of “King of the Hill.”

3. “Tag”: This game requires two or more cats and may include a dog. One cat is “it.” The other(s) chase him around the house until they catch up. Then follows the “Scrimmage,” after which the cat who caught the other becomes “it” and is chased around. Great fun but has the greatest potential for loss of Dignity from maneuvers such as the Non-Carpeted Floor Skid and the Throw Rug Wipeout. Whenever such a situation occurs, all felines must immediately wash themselves. Dogs are generally too stupid to do this and may continue to play. In this case, the dog automatically becomes “it” and should be subjected to the “Pileup.”
4. “Tube Mouse”: This is a game played in the bathroom. Next to the Big White Drinking Bowl is a roll of soft white paper which is artfully attached to the wall so that it can spin. Inside this roll is the Tube Mouse. When you grab the paper, the Tube Mouse will spin frantically as it tries to escape from you. When the Mouse is exposed, it dies of fright and stops spinning.

Toys

Any small item. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means it is a Valuable Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look outraged when the human takes it away. Watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. Below are listed several types of cat toys.

• Bright shiny things like keys, brooches or coins should be hidden so the other cat(s) and humans can’t play with them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
• Dangling and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains and dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at, all costs. Note that playing with shoelaces when the human is trying to tie them is a great source of Hampering.
• Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see, but you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any cat you find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.

Food

Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed “NOW”; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed.

• When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
• The best times to inform humans of your dish’s emptiness are when they are unable to ignore you, such as when they are sleeping or on the toilet.
• Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent – your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave.

Scratching Posts

It is advised that cats use anything which is most useful to you. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no!

Water

Dripping taps are the best sources of fresh water. Toilets are the next best. It is imperative that any sound of running water be investigated immediately for a possible drink. A plaintive meow and licking the faucet usually will get most humans to turn on the tap.

Vacuum Cleaner

This appalling Beast is known by many names, “Cat Eater” being the most prevalent. Humans will turn into raging monsters while under its influence, sucking up all the carefully shed cat hair and terrorizing the feline residents with evil glee. All you can do is run and hide.

Occasionally, the humans are forced to open the vacuum cleaner and remove a swollen bag from within. This is its stomach, and must be destroyed at all costs. Do not worry if the human yells at you, for the yell is really that of the Beast in pain.

Sleeping Humans

It is known that sleeping humans are boring. The “direct approach” is nearly always successful in rejuvenating a dormant human. Do one of the following:

Trample, purr, meow or head-butt. If the human is being stubborn, you may have to resort to more drastic tactics, such as ripping down posters, rattling blinds, or singing at the top of your voice. Eventually the human will get up and do what you want, usually in a disgruntled manner.

Mornings

In order to provide for you, the humans must leave the domain every morning (usually before you take your first cat nap). To help them on their way, howl loudly, massage their scalps with your claws, or gently bounce on top of them in bed. See Games. The best time to do this is about 24 minutes before their alarm clock goes off. We must protect them from that blaring noise for it could ruin their hearing.

Medicine

The vet is where your human takes you when you are sick. The place smells funny; there are cats, dogs and awful things like needles and pills. Don’t let humans cat-handle you. The following are some tips for dealing with vets and medicine.

• When you see the carrier come out, run and hide. Once the human grabs you, struggle gamely. Splay your legs out so it is difficult to cram you into the carrier. If the human is trying to put you in with another pet, allow the other pet to bolt out the door. In the car, meow plaintively all the way to the vet’s. Reach through the bars of the carrier and claw the human as s/he drives. At the vet’s, once again splay your legs and brace yourself against the carrier’s walls so they can’t dump you out easily.
• At home, resist attempts to feed you pills or liquid medicine. As soon as you hear the pill bottle rattle, hide. Resist attempts to open your mouth. Squirming is good. Shake your head vigorously to remove any medicine placed in your mouth. Refuse any food that smells like it may have had medicine sprinkled in it.

Illness

If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is longer then a human’s bare foot.

Conclusion

Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smoothly running household.

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1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat’s mouth open with small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet mignon. Hold head vertically and pour ½ pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture store on way home to order new table.

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1. Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
2. Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
3. Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
4. Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat.
5. Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
6. Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
7. Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any countertop, that has anything remotely interesting on it.
8. Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
9. Law of Dinner Table Attendance: Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
10. Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state, for very long.
11. Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something.
12. First Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, t herefore, use as little energy as possible.
13. Second Law of Energy Conservation: Cats also know that energy can only be stored, by a lot of napping.
14. Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
15. Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
16. Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
17. Law of Bag / Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
18. Law of Cat Embarrassment: A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
19. Law of Milk Consumption: A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
20. Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of t he furniture.
21. Law of Cat Landing: A cat will always land in the softest place possible.
22. Law of Fluid Displacement: A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
23. Law of Cat Disinterest: A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
24. Law of Pill Rejection: Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
25. Law of Cat Composition: A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter.
26. Law of Selective Listening: Although a cat can hear a can of tuna being opened a mile away, she can’t hear a simple command three feet away.
27. Law of Equidistant Separation: All cats in a given room will locate at points equidistant from each other, and equidistant from the center of the room.
28. Law of Cat Invisibility: Cats think that if they can’t see you, then you can’t see them.
29. Law of Space-Time Continuum: Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space.
30. Law of Concentration of Mass: A cat’s mass increases in direct proportion to the comfort of the lap she occupies.
31. Law of Cat Probability (Cat’s Uncertainty Principle): It is not possible to predict where a cat actually is, only the probability of where she “might” be.
32. Law of Cat Obedience: As yet undiscovered.

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• Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them?
• Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress?
• Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
• Do you scoop out the litter box after each use? Do you wait at the box with the scoop in your hand?
• Do you think it’s cute when your cat swings on the drapes or licks the butter?
• Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have?
• Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move?
• Do you kiss your cat on the lips?
• Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?
• Does your cat sit at the table (or ON the table) when you eat?
• Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it?
• Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator?
• Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote?
• Did you buy a video tape of fish swimming in an aquarium to entertain your cat?
• Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in? Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date?
• Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? Do you spend more for your cat than you do for your spouse?
• Do the Christmas cards you send out feature your cat sitting on Santa’s lap? Does your cat sign the card?
• Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?
• Does your cat eat out of cut crystal stemware because you both watched the same commercial on television?
• Do you microwave your cat’s food? Prepare it from scratch?
• Do you climb out of bed over the headboard or footboard, so you won’t disturb the sleeping cat?
• At the store, do you pick up the cat food and kitty litter before you pick out anything for yourself?
• Do you cook a special turkey for your cat on holidays?
• Does your cat “insist” on a fancy Sunday breakfast consisting of an omelet made from eggs, milk, and salmon, halibut, or trout?
• Do you have pictures of your cat in your wallet? Do you bring them out when your friends share pictures of their children? (Pollsters claim that 40 percent of cat owners carry their pet’s pictures in their wallets, by the way)
• When people call to talk to you on the phone, do you insist that they say a few words to your cat as well?
• Do you accept dates only with those who have a cat? If so, do you eventually double-date with the cats to see how they get along?
• When someone new comes to your house, do you introduce your cat, by name, to them?

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Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those of us who have never had any success dieting, there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans!

Except for cats that eat like people – such as getting lots of table scraps – most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you’ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it costs more than .75 per can – and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.

Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse’s or partner’s plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.

Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food – tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse’s or partner’s cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.

Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with it on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.

Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse’s or partner’s pillow.

Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night’s chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.

Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

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