Funny Pet Storys

Mittens

My name is Jenn and I have a fourteen-year-old cat named Mittens, Mitts for short. Since the day I adopted her, Mittens has loved music. So much so, that a funny story comes to mind. While doing my homework one day, I began to sing “When the Saints Come Marching In”. Suddenly, Mitts hopped up on my desk and began to purr and kiss my forehead. To this day (14 years later!), Mitts is fond of music. I could be clear on the other side of the house, but once Mitts here’s me singing, she appears out of nowhere to shower me with kisses as if it’s the first time she’s ever heard me sing. Granted, Mitts is getting slower in her old age, but she still does it. I have come to realize that either she really loves my singing or, she feels badly for me!!

My Cat Posy

My cat Posy, a tortoiseshell tabby, lives with my family in a house in London, England. Like most cats Posy is never pleased to see another cat on her territory – or anywhere, for that matter. Whenever she encounters a fellow feline, her hair stands on end, and she begins to hiss. In extreme cases, she sets up a yowling that alerts the whole neighborhood. Though she may be a proud defender of her turf, there is a reason why my dad has always referred to her as “a cat of very little brain.” One day my mum came home with a purchase she was delighted with – a large tea cozy in the shape of a cat, with all the cat features, from ears to tail, drawn in. Naturally, when teatime rolled around the next afternoon, out came the new tea cozy to keep the pot warm. It received a lot of admiration from the rest of the family because it had the look and poise of a real cat. This cat looked almost regal sitting there, guarding the pot, with a half-smile on his cloth face. Suddenly, a slight sound emerged over the clink of teaspoons on china – a slow, steady hiss. I turned around to see Posy behind me in the kitchen doorway, hair standing on end, ears laid back, staring straight at the tea cozy. The tea cozy stared back. Posy edged nearer with suspicion, as her eyes narrowed, while she emitted more hissing sounds as she sized up her rival – a rival who’d not only managed to get INTO her house but was now ON her table. And here was the family doing nothing about it. Needless to say, we had almost fallen off our chairs laughing by this time – we couldn’t believe she actually thought the tea cozy was a real cat! Luckily, Posy stopped short of pouncing on the inert intruder. Eventually we took pity on her, lifted the cozy off the pot and finally convinced her that, the presence of this particular cat on her home turf was no good reason to cause fur to fly.

Dead Head & Smokey

My cat’s name is Dead Head. We often refer to him as “the cat with the empty head.” He likes to sit on top of the diningroom table, directly underneath the chandlier, and stand on his hind legs, waving his front paws in the air as if to saying, “Come down a little lower and let me jump on top of you.” My other cat, Smokey, is afraid to stay home alone. Whenever I go to my Aunt’s house, Smokey follows me. He goes inside and makes himself comfortable until I am ready to leave and then he follows me back home. Sometimes I feel like I own the craziest cats ever, but after reading some of the other cat tails, I realize my cats are just about normal!

Tar Bath

I had a cat once that just couldn’t keep her curiosity in check. My dad was in the middle of fixing the roof of our house. He laid down the tar and then decided to go inside for a break. After our little break, we came outside to discover that the cat had made herself at home in the tar. It took months to get the tar out of her fur!

Onion The Christmas Tree Ornament

Our cat’s name is Onion and she is a two-year-old tabby and, apparently, Onion’s favorite time of year is Christmas time. Onion was so in love with our Christmas tree that she would climb on the sofa and dive face first into the tree, then tumble onto the floor and run around like crazy. When Christmas was over and we took the tree to the park for recycling, she walked around like she had just lost her best friend!

Bear the Cat

My cat Bear is not really that normal compared to the other cats I’ve known. When one of his hairs is out of place, he immediately turns around to lick it down…for about 15 minutes! When he’s in the basement or the garage, he scratches the door or jiggles the door knob to let us know he wants in. He does the same when he wants out. Yes, Bear is a very clever cat, every once in awhile he even gets the door open. When he was about 8 months old, Bear ran away from home and was gone for 2 months. The people that found him live just up the road from us. It’s crazy how things happen. Well, one thing’s for sure. Bear may want out, but he’ll never stray far from his home!

Where Do Pets Come From?

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, “Where do pets come from?”

And Adam said, “Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.”

And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.”

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, “But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”

And God said, “No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility.”

And the Lord said, “No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration.”

 

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat’s eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

An Ancient Chinese Myth "Or" Why Cats Are Smug!

When the world was created, the gods decided to appoint one creature to see that it ran smoothly and to oversee all other creatures. The creature they selected was the cat. Thoughtful and contemplative, cats were given the power of speech in order to talk with the creator gods and give instructions to the other creatures who shared the world. For a long time all seemed to go well.Cats, however, were sybaritic creatures, characterized by their devotion to excessive self-indulgence and luxury.Rather than attend to the mundane, day-to-day running of a world, they wanted to doze in sunbeams on beds of fragrant catnip and matatabi vine. The creator gods saw this and asked the cats whether they were doing anything to ensure the smooth running of this newly made world.

“Running a world is not of great interest to us,” said the cats, “we are content to roll on the grass and chase butterflies when the mood takes us. Mostly we let the world run itself so that we can enjoy the simple pleasures of warm sunshine and fresh, scented air.”

The gods asked the cats to be more diligent in the running of the newly made world and the cats promised to pay a little more attention to their allotted task. Some while later, the gods paid another visit to their vibrant new world and they found the cats sleeping under cherry trees or playing with falling cherry blossoms. Once more they questioned the cats’ dedication to overseeing the world.

“Running a world is, to be honest, a rather boring task. It is much more fun to sleep comfortably under cherry trees and frolic among the falling blossom,” said the cats, “however, we will try to pay more attention to the business of being in charge of the world – it is a great responsibility.”

The gods chastised the cats a second time and went away full of hope that the cats would pay closer attention to the running of the world the gods had given them. However, on a third visit, the gods found the cats chasing floating thistledown in the late summer sunshine.

“To be perfectly honest,” the cats said, “we’ve realised that we really don’t want the bother of running a world. We’ve noticed that one of your creatures shows much more promise in this respect, perhaps you could give the task of running a world to them so that we can spend our time enjoying the pleasures this world has to offer.”

The gods reluctantly agreed, but on one condition. Those appointed to run the world required the power of speech. Therefore cats would no longer be able to talk and the other creature, called humans, would be endowed with speech. And while man busied himself about running the world and remaking it to his own liking and filling it with chatter, cats basked in scented sunshine with inscrutable expressions.

From that day on, mankind gained the power of speech while cats enjoyed the delights the world had to offer – sunshine, scents, textures and things to chase or play with. But the gods never forgot that the cat was their first chosen one to run the world and made them timekeepers so that humans could always tell the time of day by looking into a cat’s eyes. In the morning their eyes are pools of blackness rimmed with gold; at noon they are mere black slits on disks of gold while in the evening they open out into pools of blackness once more.

Not only that, the purring of the cat is the sound of the machinery moving the world around the heavens and should the cats cease to purr, the world would stand still in the sky and the seasons, and all of time, would come to an end. So while mankind has the day-to-day running of the world, the cat still remains its timekeeper and guardian which is why cats always look so inscrutable and so smug.

Rules of Etiquette for Inexperienced Cats

When your owner returns home laden with packages, fall down in front of them — this works best on steps, all the better if the individual is proceeding downward. There is always the chance you may get stepped on, but this usually guarantees a fall and it you milk their guilt that follows it is usually worth it. Should you run into a closed sliding glass door or do anything stupid, never let on as much and go about your business as if “I meant to do that.”

If you allow a dog to share your domain you are in luck. Should you tatter the drapes or destroy anything for which you fear retribution, wait until your owner (misnomer if there ever was one) is nearby, slap the dog and run for it. Dogs are stupid and will accept blame for anything. If this ruse should fail simply run and hide. No one really expects to catch a cat. Chase, frolic, and run from invisible entities. The why doesn’t matter, it is just expected.

Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 and 4 a.m. Final Note: ALWAYS walk ON the keyboard!From Harold Reynolds

The Cats' Bill of Rights

Humans shall make no law respecting an establishment of boundaries or prohibiting the free exercise therein, or abridging the freedom of access, or the right to peaceful assembly. In other words: The cat is entitled to go outside anytime he wants.

A well-carried provisional chamber, being necessary to the fulfillment of a feline’s whims, shall not be infringed. In other words: The cat is entitled to EAT anytime he wants.

The right of the feline to be secure in their domain and effects against unreasonable discomposure, shall not be violated. In other words: The cat is entitled to SLEEP anytime he wants.
Humans shall issue no warrants or decrees or edicts as prescribed to the demarcation of possessions or property which are in direct conflict with right of life, liberty and the pursuit of feline affirmation. In other words: The cat is entitled to sleep ANYWHERE he wants.
The feline shall be immune to all criminal accusations, indictments and complaints. The accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and impartial dismissal of any and all charges provided said feline’s compulsory right to obtain any or all witnesses, including character witnesses, are obtained in his favor. In other words: Cats can do anything they want as long as it’s cute.
Neither serfdom, vassalage, or involuntary servitude will be tolerated, except by said cats in proprietorship of their humans. In other words: What I say, goes.
No Canis familiaris shall, in time of peace or at any other time, be quartered in any dwelling without the consent of the potentate, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by sovereign. In other words: No dogs in the house without my permission.
The right of the feline to be protected against unreasonable search and seizures shall not be breached or infringed upon at anytime or any place. In other words: Don’t disturb me when I am sleeping.

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