Funny Pet Storys

Tonight’s my first night as a watchdog,
And here it is Christmas Eve.
The children are sleeping all cozy upstairs,
While I’m guardin’ the stockin’s and tree.

What’s that now—footsteps on the rooftop?
Could it be a cat or a mouse?
Who’s this down the chimney?
A thief with a beard— And a big sack for robbin’ the house?

I’m barkin’, I’m growlin’, I’m bitin’ his butt.
He howls and jumps back in his sleigh.
I scare his strange horses, they leap in the air.
I’ve frightened the whole bunch away.

Now the house is all peaceful and quiet again.
The stockin’s are safe as can be.
Won’t the kiddies be glad when they wake up tomorrow
And see how I’ve guarded the tree.

by Shel Silverstein

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1. A CD of cats meowing popular Christmas songs.

2. A chew toy with the head already gnawed off by his canine brother who chewed his way into the gift box around the 15th of the month.

3. A chew toy shaped like a shoe which he is immediately going to confuse with the right sneaker of your favorite pair.

4. Central A/C for his Dogloo when you’re still using individual wall units that are barely up to cooling a small close-size area in your house.

5. Anything Garfield.

6. A remote control for the refrigerator door.

7. A knitted pink sweater that makes your macho doberman look like a poodle.

8. A deluxe pre-packaged treat-filled Christmas stocking that’s large enough for you to use as a sleeping bag.

9. Doggie antlers when your near-sighted hunting relatives will be spending the holidays with you.

10. A stuffed toy dog with an angel’s halo as a hint as to what he has to do to get more presents next year.

11. A doggie door between you and the suspicious butcher next door.

12. An audition for a diet dog food commercial where they feed him so much during retakes that he actually gains weight.

13. A piece of jewelry featuring a ceramic dog of his breed for you to wear.

14. His own i-pets.com credit card.

15. A cat.

Brain Candy

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1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:

- – don’t pee on the tree
- – don’t drink water in the container that holds the tree
- – mind your tail when you are near the tree
- – if there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don’t rip them open
- – don’t chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:

- – not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
- – don’t eat off the buffet table
- – beg for goodies subtly
- – be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
- – don’t drink out of glasses that are left within your reach.

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:

- -observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people’s houses.
- – respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
- – tolerate children
- – turn on your charm big time.

7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON’T BITE HIM!!

Brain Candy

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On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
Eleven unwrapped presents
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed
My wreath in nine pieces
Eight tiny reindeer fragments
Seven scraps of wrapping paper
Six yards of soggy ribbon
Five chewed-up stockings
Four broken window candles
Three punctured ornaments
Two leaking bubble lights
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me
A dozen puppy kisses And I forgot about the other eleven days.

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Dog tags ring, are you listenin’? 

In the lane, snow is glistenin’. 

It’s yellow, NOT white – I’ve been there tonight, 

Marking up my winter wonderland. 

Smell that tree? That’s my fragrance. 

It’s a sign for wand’ring vagrants; 

“Avoid where I pee, it’s MY pro-per-ty! 

Marked up as my winter wonderland.” 

In the meadow dad will build a snowman, 

following the classical design. 

Then I’ll lift my leg and let it go Man, 

So all the world will know it’s 

mine-mine-mine! 

Straight from me to the fencepost, 

flows my natural incense boast; 

“Stay off of my TURF, this small piece of earth, 

I mark it as my winter wonderland. 

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